One of my iron-clad boundaries when it comes to birth is that I will never ever permit a strange man to enter my birth-room, or the intimate spaces of my body (under any circumstances). I would never even consider hiring a “male midwife.” No thank you.
Of course, some women feel differently, and that’s ok!
But I’ve also encountered numerous women who did invite (or allow) men (including male midwives, male obstetricians, and male gynaecologists) into the sacred parts of their bodies and their birth experiences, and who, in retrospect, recognized that they had effectively traumatized themselves by bypassing their instincts based on what they perceived to be the societal expectation of non-judgemental, non-discrimination, and “inclusivity.”
That so many full-grown women have been conditioned to ignore their intuition, discount their own best interests and to agree to being violated, illustrates, among other things, the dark paradox of “consent,” a concept that is fundamentally rooted in coercion and social engineering.
Here is The Truth: My body is utterly exclusive in every way. I have every right to be discriminatory when it comes to who has access (or not) to my body. There is no credential that can ever override my right to bodily autonomy and privacy.
And the same can be true for you.
To be honest, at this point in my life (and since the birth of my third baby, almost 16 years ago) I will only ever choose freebirth—I don’t want any medical professionals, midwives, doulas, or well-meaning bystanders (male or female) anywhere near me when I’m moving through the portal.
I don’t want or need a “witness,” as I surrender to the most profound, intimate, metamorphic personal transformation in existence.
I prefer to give birth alone, in the sanctity of my home, held by the familiar container of my family, with my husband close by, guarding the perimeter, protecting my process, but also offering me lots of space with his loving, steady energetic embrace.
This is, I realize now, one of the core conditions I require for experiencing the expansive waves of euphoric bliss that have punctuated my last two births, those of my ninth and tenth babies.
I haven’t always felt this way. In fact, I had the most wonderful traditional birth attendant for my first two births, and it was thanks to her gentle, authentic support that I had the courage and confidence to freebirth.
Often, as we grow and discover ourselves anew, clarifying our priorities and perspectives, our preferences, desires, and boundaries will shift and change, broadening in some cases, contracting in others.
As I discuss in my book, PORTAL: The Art of Choosing Orgasmic, Pain-Free, Blissful Birth, birth-in-bliss can be accessed in a multitude of ways. There is a formula, but it’s up to each woman to discover the specific ingredients of what that formula might constitute, for herself (a process of self-discovery that I facilitate in my acclaimed online course, also called PORTAL—The Keys to Blissful Birth).
One thing is certain, however, and that is that if you don’t know who you are and what you truly desire, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be in a position to claim your bliss during birth.
Boundaries are essential—and highly subjective.
I am well aware that I have no obligation to rationalize or justify my preference to exclude strange men from any intimate interactions with me, medical or otherwise, but just for fun, here are my top five reasons (among many) for why, if I were to hire a midwife, or seek out the services of someone to support me with any intimate issue, they would never be male:
Men are not Women: No biological male has a womb or has ever given birth. By definition, men cannot possibly know anything about womanhood, of which birth is an intrinsic part. Even women who choose not to become mothers, women who (for whatever reason) cannot become biological mothers, or women who have lost their wombs, are still part of an exclusive sisterhood that men will always exist outside of. Sorry.
Birth is Sacred: Birth is the most intimate, vulnerable experience in human existence. Birth is the culmination of sex, and as such, the only man that I will ever tolerate having around while I give birth is my husband. It would be perverse and voyeuristic in my view, to allow a man other than my husband Lee anywhere near me during birth.
I Respect my Husband: My husband himself would never stand for any other man being present while I give birth, as it should be. I don’t believe that any man who is truly connected to his own masculine power and self-authority would ever tolerate another man watching his woman as she gives birth. An individuated, awakened man would immediately recognize such a thing as humiliating, inappropriate, and a violation of the sanctity of his union with his beloved, in my opinion.
Predators are Predominantly Male: Males commit 98% of all sexual crimes, and approximately 97% of men admit to regularly watching pornography, which is inherently predatory and abusive, in my opinion. Of course, not all men are predators (and yes, a very small number of women are). But what all predators have in common, is opportunism. There are scores of male doctors, male daycare workers, male teachers and other males in positions of power who have been discovered to have abused those ostensibly under their care. Although female obstetricians are often just as abusive towards their patients as men are (if not more so) within the context normalized harm of routine obstetrics, the very real and symbolic sex and power differentials between men and women adds additional layers of potential vulnerability that I’m not interested in submitting to. By excluding men from any access to my intimate body parts and experiences (as is my prerogative), I simply reduce the statistical likelihood that I too might be objectified, victimized, or predated upon by a man imbued with false medical authority.
The Audacity is Self-Evident: The very fact that a man would even consider going into the fields of obstetrics, gynaecology, or midwifery—areas which, in my view, are entirely the purview of women—indicates to me a colossal pre-existing degree of arrogance, entitlement, and a manifest willingness to violate boundaries.
On a related note, I was recently invited to participate in a professional birth event that would have been a wonderful opportunity for me to meet other birth-workers and to share my perspectives, but I had to decline, because the event was highlighting a certain male practitioner whom I’ll refer to as Dave.
I wrote the following message to the organizer:
Sadly, I cannot in good conscience participate in or promote an event that centres or features Dave. I have done several birth debriefs over the years with women who have endured significant trauma as a result of what they have characterized as his abusive behaviour. It would be totally out of integrity for me to collaborate on an event that promotes his work, especially given the intimate unravelling I have done with those mothers who have felt deeply hurt by his violations—to do so would constitute a significant betrayal of the women who have come to me seeking support.